My Journey of Healing and Faith

For most of my life, I have struggled with depression and anxiety, deep-rooted issues with my family and finances and my health all snowballing unbearably during my senior year… my family had cut me off financially, emotionally, I still had my time-bomb (AVM) in my head… I never really let on how terrible things were to most people. From 2004-2005 things, well, life was just really a struggle, especially with my sleep. I used to wake up having anxiety attacks, or just waking up and not being able to back to sleep. It would feel like some awful struggle, or what was worse was dreaming I was still awake… ug… only to wake up an hour or so later. If it wouldn’t pass, I’d take night walks and later started going out to do graffiti. That year I started taking St. John’s wort, but I don’t think that really helped much.

Actually, I know that didn’t help much, because when I started working after graduation, I started seeing some docs about the sleep thing (because it got worse)… and they said the St. John’s wort wasn’t strong enough for what I had… even after getting a job, and then, having my heath back (my AVM was gone in Nov. 2005). Basically having everything I could possibly want—my sleep and depression was *worse* than ever. I started doing all that I could to get better: exercising, quit smoking, yoga….. 🙁 I tried Prozac, Celexa, Mirtazapine, Trazodone, and some other one they took me off of (because it literally started making me crazy), and still, I only could get a couple others for sleep… nothing really helped. I’d go through some times when I’d feel somewhat “ok” or even happy, but it wouldn’t last. It would all just end up crashing back down. I used to get so jealous of my boyfriend when he’d fall right to sleep, and then I’d be up for hours just listening to him breathe. And, then there’s that gross, cloudy feeling on some meds. Like you can kinda manage, but you feel like you’re operating remotely… I think the hardest was walking to work and having to always resist the urge to jump off the freeway overpass. I was doing everything I could, but there was just no way out for me… and all my efforts to try and fix myself just made me feel even more stressed.

It was sort of a “New Year’s resolution” to re-read the New Testament. But, of course, the Bible sat there for months… but I was at the point where I was planning on killing myself, and started to explore all my plans because my life just was too painful, and too painful all the time. It took so much just to pick up the Bible and try to pray to a God I had hated for so long, but then I started reading and trying to pray… unfortunately, I’ve had some poor examples of who God is through family… I started praying for some peace. I called my brother up and studied with him, and he pointed out several very serious promises God has made us (2 Timothy 1:7, Jeremiah 29:11-13), and I claimed them in my prayers… and prayed that God would make himself very real to me. The day (or I should say night) after that prayer (and since then), my insomnia GONE, panic attacks GONE, wanting to jump on the freeway on my way to work GONE, crushing pressure on my chest GONE, stress headaches GONE. Seriously, I hadn’t slept that good in YEARS!! …and I know it was God because I’d tried everything else.

I’ve tried Buddhism, Taoism, yoga, chanting, Scientology, witchcraft when I was younger, studied Judaism, Islam… I know this sounds crazy, and even I thought I’d be the last person to find God, but He is SO real. So, after all that happened, I said, “Okay, God! I’ll going to church Saturday with my family!” Questions and doubts I had about the person I was dating were totally answered in the speaker’s message. It was not an accident at all that I went that day… And there is some really amazing stuff I’m studying in the Bible that only further confirms my beliefs, both historically and prophetically.

On June 17, 2006, I was baptized Seventh-Day Adventist Christian. It’s the denomination I’ve found that follows the Bible most closely (key to especially to understanding a lot of what’s happening now socially, politically). I believe the Bible with all my heart, and this is not blind faith (or what I thought “faith” used to be), but is founded on historical facts and my personal experience. From what I have experienced and from my studies, I am totally convinced and have decided to commit every aspect of my life to God and sharing what He has done in my life with others.

Most of my friends have been really supportive and even came to my baptism, I think they’re mostly happy I end my life, and that more than just happy now, but they can tell that I have real peace. I believe that you can have this too, that no matter what the challenges are, that God is willing and able to help heal and save all that come to Him.

There were a lot of pressures in my upbringing, especially very warped views of who God really is. I had two extremes from my sets of parents: one of, “Well, God forgives me even though I have a bad temper” and another of, “You have to do this and not do that, and you can’t do that…” Both would often quote, “Children, obey your parents!” But with such hypocrisy, I thought, if this is what Christianity is about, I want nothing to do with it or God.

By the time I was 13 I had already started drinking, smoking, doing drugs and was sexually active. Here I am in Jr. High, with one of the friends who I later got hallucinogens from (15) and had my worst overdose from. I had my stomach pumped and almost died.

Here I am at age 16 going to the prom with my girlfriend and our friends. I try to have patience now with people who feel the need to change their appearance. I know they’re struggling with identity. I know that the sexual abuse I experienced growing up warped my views of my identity and sexuality.

At 17, I made a decided effort to quit hard drugs. I became a vegetarian after doing a chemistry research project and from talking with my punk friends who were involved in animal rights activism.

My brothers and I at Tim’s graduation from medical school.

At the end of my freshman year of college. I don’t even know a photo’s being taken. I thought I was finally “free” in college, from my family, rules, etc… but I was I really free?

Midsemester my sophomore year of college. A few days after this photo, I had a horrible headache, but kept working like crazy on final projects, worked a closing shift at my job, and then went home to work on another project.

(from Harborview ER notes)

after scans and tests

“…Amnesia secondary to Left Intraventricular hemorrhage… condition critical”

Angiogram of my AVM (Arterial Venus Malformation). With the kind of hemorrhage I had and for the length of my bleed, I should be dead… I know now God spared my life, because I would not have been ready.

Before one of my three embolizations, a surgery where I had to be totally awake, and they had to monitor my brain’s reactions to the treatment.

After my craniotomy, I had severe nerve damage and had to have some physical therapy to walk again. My AVM was too close to my motor strip, and they could not remove it. I had radiation treatment, and from then had to go in every 6 months to see if it was still there. Every day until it was gone, I would live with the risk of re-hemorrhaging.

When I came back home to Seattle, it was in the middle of the semester, so I couldn’t go back to school, my boyfriend breaks up with me, and I’m overweight. My family, for the most part, tried their best to be supportive, but no one knew what I was going through.

I went off to visit friends and family. I tried to continue “life as normal” Not quite 21 with bun bun on a NY subway.

Halloween and back in classes, I had started smoking and drinking again even though it conflicted with the medications I was against medical advice.

Not my work, but my junior year, my depression started weighing heavily on me. I started having sleep problems and started to go out and do graffiti with my friends.

Shortly after this, because of an argument, my family decided to cut me off financially, emotionally, even though they had promised to help me get through school and my medical condition. I had only had one year left of college… and my medical coverage was going into extended care. I wouldn’t have been able to make the payments (hundreds of dollars per month) let alone get through school. I did a lot of loan and Federal aid research. I thought about just giving up on college and living with my boyfriend in his bus.

From my calendar that year. Everything from job interviews, Planned Parenthood appointments, school counseling sessions.

I wasn’t able to apply for federal aid because my parents wouldn’t share any of their info. I applied for food stamps, and wasn’t even supposed to be eligible for that, but the woman who was helping me heard my story and helped me.

One of the few surviving “lists”… my depression and insomnia were getting extreme, and I started taking St. John’s wort to try and curb it. I would use these lists as a means of trying to manage, to cope.

After trying to talk and reason with my parents, and left with nothing. Facing my tuition being due, eviction and my health care payment due, my brother had told me he would help. My brother has showed me what God’s love is really like.

“…I want you to know, Diana, that I’m very impressed and proud of the woman you’ve become. I know you’ve made mistakes, and still will make them, like all of us, but I’m behind you all the way.”

(back side)

“You’ll always be my favorite little sister, no matter what you do or where you go. I will always use my power, influence and resources to help you in any way I can. When I begin work as an intern next year, I will gladly pay for anything you need. And now my support is not depended on what you do or the choices you make, you will not have to ‘beg’ for it. I will just keep sending it until you tell me to stop. I will support you even if you smoke, drink, carouse (sleep around) or are homeless. You will always have a place in my home and heart. I love you for who you are, sis, and I always will. The God I love and serve loves me that way, and he helps me to treat others the same. I’m so glad you are working hard at college. Please know that I’m always rooting for you. I’ll always be in your corner to celebrate your victories or help you rise from your failures. You can always call me collect, day or night, when you need me or even when you just need a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen.”

But against everything and close to mental breakdown, I graduated in 2005 as the valedictorian and speaker for my class. Here I am with the only two people in my family who stuck by my side the whole time.

Finished school, new job, new apartment, but still struggling with depression and insomnia. My new kitchen after a party.

Age 24, depressed and overweight. Forcing a smile for my work badge.

“Okay, I’m a horrible person, just like you say. I’m not even worth hanging out with and not worth caring for. You don’t care that I’ve had a terrible day and don’t care about adding your yelling on top of it. Oh my God, please, I wish I was dead.”

When I started to really think about how I was going to kill myself in May, I remembered my new year’s resolution to re-read the bible. It was only when I had tried all I could to “fix” myself that I could turn to the One who truly could.

I called my brother up to help me study and pray, and he showed me some of the promises God has made us for rest and sanity. I claimed those promises that night and gave my heart to God, and since then my depression and insomnia has been gone!

At an alumni reception for my college. Drunk, overweight, depressed and ready to kill myself.

Since I made that prayer, my life has changed so much for the better. I also made a commitment to God in baptism, and even got to share my testimony here at the Auburn camp meeting. I’m glad Martin didn’t tell me how big these things were beforehand.

With my family at the reception after my baptism. I left that night to go to a summer youth camp to volunteer and share my testimony.

With friends in the tulips of Northern WA. My friend Joy (in the red) helped me a lot with my foundational bible studies… I know I was a challenging student.

With friends at Mt. Rainier.

Jesus has promised from John 10:10, “I am come that they may have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”

Will you choose to accept Jesus’ offer of peace, love and salvation?